I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
