The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
