I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We got so high we made milksteak
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
