My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
