New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
