Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
