Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
