Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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