do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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