I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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