Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
