Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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