I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
