She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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