I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize