We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
