Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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