May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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