does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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