I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
