ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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