The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The dick lei will go down in squad history
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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