new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
