so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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