I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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