I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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