so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
