I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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