Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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