you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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