I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
