Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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