My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize