Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
