Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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