he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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