I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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