What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
