first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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