Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
