I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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