So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
