my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
