so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
