the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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