Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
