fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
