Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
