remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
