One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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