we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
