R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
