Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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