just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
