please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
