sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Drunk is not a location!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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