He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
