New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
