awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
