I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
organizing the empties. That sober.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
