I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
