did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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